What I’m Thinking Right Now (1.9.15)

Embrace the darkness. That phrase has been dancing throughout my mind for a while now and I want to examine exactly what does that mean… We say life is basically a game of sorts, there are winners & there are losers. So what are you supposed to do if you feel like you are losing any game that you play? You usually have 3 options: accept defeat, change the way you play or change the rules of the game. Since, in this current position I’m in, I’m not confident I can change the rules of life & I absolutely refuse to accept defeat then I am left with changing the way I play the game. That is where embracing the darkness comes into play.

I have been viewed as the nice guy for the majority of my life. The teddy bear, the friend. And it’s gotten me to this point in my life. A sizable amount of acquaintances in my life. But I kept experiencing loss, defeat, I kept falling short of the things and people in my life… In short, my mood started to sour. In fact since October I have been in what people would call a “funk”. It started off as overwhelming sadness but as I have continued through the bitter winter months, it’s transformed into something much angrier and much darker. My view of the world has morphed and changed. It’s easy to blame this on one particular incident and one particular person but in reality this has been a culmination of years and years of feeling second best and feeling similar to an outcast. And this dark period in my life forced me to do some analyzing of myself and figure out where I had gone wrong, where I strayed off course. Because the common denominator in all the bullshit I was dealing with, the fuckery I dealt with…was me.

So how do I fix me, how do I adapt so I don’t continue to feel like this? These questions that I asked myself caused this phrase to keep inserting itself into my head: Embrace the Darkness. The way that I interpreted this is that you have been guided and pushed into this dark mindset by external pressures, external circumstances… Instead of recoiling against it and using all your energy and resources into trying to remain someone who clearly was not winning in the game that is life, why not embrace it and accept it and use the mindset that you have been forced into accepting, harness it, mold it, and use it to your advantage. And that’s what I have decided to do, to no longer assume people’s intentions are pure, and to take the biases and messed up rules that society has forced myself and others like me to accept and learn to beat the game their way. In a world that is so dirty and filthy, the only way you stay clean is if you are absent from the action and I can’t afford to play a bystander role. I’m at something of a crossroads where I have the options in front of me to either continue the path I was on, a path that did not lead me to joy, happiness, or any other positive emotion for an extended period of time. On the other hand, I could choose a new path, become more of the bad guys that I was despised and see where that takes me. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result and I may be a lot of things, but insane is no longer one of them. Time to embrace the darkness in 2015.

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