PTSDating

I think I have dating PTSD if I’m gonna keep it a buck

Every time I like someone new, my head tell my heart “I wish you luck”

Never had someone to lean on like I needed a double cup

My relationships kept stalling out like I couldn’t work the clutch

I had this one girl who said I had too many hoes

I’m like baby these aren’t hoes, these just friends from long ago

But she wasn’t trying to hear it so she left my texts on read

And if looks could kill, last time I saw her she would have shot me in the head

I had this stupid little crush, she did theatre and such

I was patient with her, waiting on her to open the fuck up

She was shy, I’m like that’s fine. We don’t need to rush

Should have known she had issues when she wanted to leave every time her ex showed up

Telling me about her issues with a bunch of different niggas

I could tell that my plans wasn’t aligned with her, I could figure

She officially let me know, and I charged it to the game

I could lie and say she meant a lot, but my life ain’t really changed

I apologize to the women who wanted more from me than I could give

I tried not to lead anyone on, but I still apologize if I did

I never tried to claim anyone who wasn’t mine

But to say I never thought about them from time to time? I’d be lying

Looking back on how a couple women had me sprung

I should cuss every woman out who made me go north on 71

Them damn Leo’s will rip your heart out just for fun

Made me feel like I got robbed and they didn’t even have a gun

Their personalities was a reminder to never do any dope

Because I became addicted to them, the things I would do for another dose

Like going back and forth on 71 just for a day

Or that 4am dummy mission to see you before you left for MIA

These are things I’m embarrassed to admit, I don’t do well with vulnerability

It’s like I been building this brick wall up for a quarter century

And I’m still too paranoid, always think I’m getting played

Always feel like I have to choose between getting paid and getting laid

Always think when I’m chasing one, the other’s going away

And when I try and compromise, neither one is here to stay

Hard time feeling seen, maybe it’s the chameleon in me

Code switching, pulp fiction, which way are you gonna feel me?

I feel like I’m close to crashing, like I’m trying to pop a wheelie

I feel like being closed off is played out like them fucking heely’s

I hate dealing with my demons because they makes other fear me

So I fall back until I make sure others can hear me.

 

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Say Hello: Part II

If they want me to be a villain, I’ll do it, begrudgingly

Just so they don’t have to pretend they really fuck with me

The bad vibes, they stuck with me. They ain’t got no luck with me

I guess this is how it must go, it sucks to see

Lucky me, I’m the one they think they can treat however

But however, I told myself that I was going to do better

Rob them of the pleasure they get when they see me shook up

And take all that negative energy and use it just to cook up

And people got their own advice, I know. Their own opinions

And I have been through enough highs and lows to know the difference

I done hacked enough cheat codes to know I’m winning

But if I’m gone, I wonder how long it will take for them to know I’m missing.

If we had another world besides earth? I swear I would leave

Because it keeps giving me bullshit and not the shit I need

I be kneading this dough, you know trying to work on my craft

But I be needing those dough in order to afford to work on my craft

It’s a catch 22. It’s one of those things you gotta deal with

And I hope I don’t have to die to show y’all some real shit

I used to be a perfectionist, would get upset over perfection missed

Would break bones to build the foundation because I didn’t have time for delicate

But when the truth came? And they started to embellish it

I said fuck it, let it rip. I used to indulge in the petty shit

The type that will have a 5-minute argument, affect you for 5 days

The type that will take your attention and split it 5 ways

For what though? All the internet people saying they’re cut throat?

But in real life won’t speak up when Starbucks hands them the wrong cup though

We’re a fucking joke. I’ll be the bad guy though, if you need one

If you need someone to blame everything one, I’ll be the real one

Give me your poor, your bitter, your male bashers and your misogynistic

We live in a world of mis-understanding, but you need a fall guy, I get it

Give me all your negative energy and I’ll turn it into riches

And even if Santa gives me coal, at least I stuck around ‘til Christmas.

 

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A Reminder…

I had to take a hiatus for myself, had way too many things on my plate

An outlet for putting thoughts into words, hoping other folks can relate

Trying to get my own thoughts in order, trying to set my own self straight

Trying to keep up with the Joneses, not realizing I set the pace.

It feels like my life is moving fast, we’re talking all gas and no brakes

Sometimes it feels like I pissed off the ancestors, we’re talking no lucky breaks

Betting on myself, putting the chips down, we’re raising the stakes

When you’re getting crumbs, you’re by yourself, they only come around for the steaks

Is money everything or is it not? The answers I’m getting are conflicting

They say the love of money is the root of all evil. Financial security worth losing your religion?

Extreme makeover, what parts of me truly need fixing?

I’m spilling my soul out for the world, what’s the chances they truly are listening?

So I ask myself, how much are you willing to sacrifice?

Sometimes the best offense is a good defense, how much should I bet on the pair of dice?

How much pain am I willing to bare, is it worth it for the paradise?

How is it that they’re still sleeping on me like Drake on that 13 hour flight?

But it is what it is, can’t force everyone to see the greatness

We’re in the same book but two different pages, almost didn’t come back from Vegas

Almost had them ship everything out there to me, and say “Yeah I’ll pay it”

Saving myself from the depths of hell & saying “Yeah I’ll make it”

I feel like I’m so close to cracking the code & having it make sense

Feel like I’m so close to making real money, you know, uncommon cents

It’s almost like you can smell the potential on me, I got an uncommon scent

Realized I been destined for great things & been treated uncommon since

Admonishments versus scholarships, complements versus consequence

Astonishment versus accomplishments, you want all of this or just a part of it

Because if you’re down, we can get it shaking like we had the Parkinson’s

Heavyweight, pockets hungry like Ms. Parker’s friends

From head to toe, even my inner me knows I got the glow

It’s called show and tell because even if I tell you, I still must show

I’m gifted, all I need from you is to provide the bow

My presence is a present but what I’m presented with, only a few need to know.

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Hate Me For Who I Am

Hate me for who I am, don’t hate me for what you think

They throwing everything at me except the kitchen sink

They want me to sink, walking on thin ice on this hockey rink

And I realize that this shit can be snatched from you faster than you can blink

Hate me for who I am, But don’t twist my words

These nouns and verbs, I took time to craft and you got the nerve

To misinterpret what I say? That’s just absurd

No wonder more and more of folks are kicking you to the curb

Do you hate me for who I am? Or what I represent

Does a black man in America set a dangerous precedent?

Criticized and analyzed from all sides, I guess it all flies

Cutting all ties, if you ain’t on my side, you on the other side

Is that wise? I don’t know but I’m feeling the pressure get to me

If I leave? Who’s missing me. I can make excuses or make history.

My talent is the gift the universe already gifted me

On a treasure hunt for the missing puzzle piece, you feeling me?

Bench players out here asking for privileges of the starters

They’re testing us on the lessons they never taught us

Men seeing the humanity in women only when they have daughters

And we’re blaming most of our issues on the “missing fathers”

I been called problematic and a pick me, a fuckboy and an ally

I didn’t know the two could mutually exist but who am I to criticize

I give myself to the world just for them to take and reject it

Twist and dissect it, try and have me remixed and resurrected

Personality renovated, I still don’t feel like I made it

But I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about the things I created

Nothing more dangerous than a black educated man that’s motivated

Because we’re in an era where mediocrity is celebrated

You either get crowned or cremated, you willing to gamble with your life?

Or sell your soul when the devil asks, “what’s the price?”

Or stick to your principles when it’s time to take a stand

So if you’re gonna hate me, don’t use perception, hate me on who I actually am.

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Knocking The Rust Off

They say if you don’t use it, eventually you’ll lose it

Consider this the way I make sure I’m more than a nuisance

These people think they’re aggressive, but their taunts are toothless

Young, wild & ruthless, you want beef? Then I’m Ruth Chris

High quality, I’m a star just come and see

Staring at the projection of everything they want me to be

I don’t care if I fail to meet your expectations you laid out

Submitting to the demands of others is definitely played out

I’m saying now, that my mind races like Spiderman through the streets of Brooklyn

Yeah I’m cooking, I’m coaching the game like the late-great, John Wooden

They crucify, everyone’s opinions, no matter if they’re actually right or wrong

I’m righting wrongs but first, I have to actually write my wrongs

Damn girl, you’re looking like a sight for sore eyes

But eye candy can’t hold a candle to soul food and soul ties

Making changes wholesale, because I want to win, no more ties

Being way more truthful with myself, no more lies

Suicide? I don’t want to kill myself, just the old way of thinking

Been trying to distract myself from issues with way more drinking

That’s not healthy and I know I can’t continue that pace

Getting cheese, not spending it is the only way out the rat race.

Proper planning prevents poor performance, that’s the motto

Can’t win and lose my soul then the victory becomes hollow

They want me to be a role model, but I don’t want to be no model

I’m trying to break the mold, not be a blueprint for those to follow.

I might walk around with a chip on my shoulder, even after I hit the lotto

Watching over my shoulder, looking for the next debacle.

Because I’m always nervous of falling off, even before I made it yet

We making steps, they’re making threats. Who you believe? Place your bets.

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Too Old For Penpals

I say if you can’t pull up on me then what’s the point?

All this sexual tension that we can’t even try and exploit

All this texting back and forth, occasional facetimes

Sounds like it’s just here to waste time, and I have more to do with my time

I saw the signs that said it wasn’t gonna work & I ignored them shits

The packaging was gorgeous, distracted me from the awful shit

The audibles, we call when we try to make a doomed play go right

If I ever see her, it’s probably hands on sight, more explosive than dynamite

You may hate me, but the kids alright. At least I’m not alt-right

Discriminatory because I don’t see compatibility in all types.

Like the type that always says they miss you but never see you

1,000 miles away giving heart eyes but never plan to meet you

And I used to be that guy, so I understand the position

But there’s no point in applying to the casting call if you can’t make the audition.

How you gonna be missing for the mission and expect for me to listen?

Nothing’s exciting if you can’t see me shine in person to catch the glisten

My intelligence isn’t artificial, you can’t fall in love with a mind like I’m Vision

I know what I want but there’s a fine line in over persistence

I don’t stick around if I don’t feel wanted, that’s one of my rules

I’m valuable, and I treat my energy like it is a rare jewel

I’m too cool, with falling back but I’ll try and communicate before hand

But everything has a season, winter doesn’t make sense for a lemonade stand

Got damn. Everyone feels like they have the answers

Everyone feels like they are relationship experts and wedding planners

But the closest I been to a wedding was watching the movie Wedding Crashers

And nothing lasts forever, they even tried to burn Wakanda in Black Panther.

So it’s the blind leading the blind but how you gonna lead me through just phone calls?

Can’t even be addicted because I didn’t experience anything causing withdrawal.

I think I’m way too old for a pen pal, writing new age letters & shit

How you in a whole relationship & still have no body heat for the weather and shit?

I think I’m way too old for a pen pal, writing new age letters & shit

You can like who you want, I just want us to want better & shit.

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#FreestyleFriday: 3.16.18

It’s freestyle Friday and I haven’t wrote anything in a minute

Been focused on this podcast and putting my all in it

But the creative juices still flow & sometimes I need to vent

And some people give up on me, like they believed in Lent

Hoping the light at the tunnel is freedom & not an oncoming train

I’d be in shape if I was as active as much as my brain

Always thinking about best case and worst case scenarios

Trying not to treat my life as a joke like Will Ferrell though

And now we know, that the best laid plans? Often fall apart

Only benefit of never being in love is avoding the broken hearts

Love the sparks that are in the start of the courtship

But ah shit, they always end up stretching you out more than Crossfit

The talk is, that whoever cares less gets the upper hand

That’s why you got to shoot more shots that Yosemite Sam

Friends or foes, who’s really down when shit hits the fan?

I suppose, but most of us just doing it for the gram

It used to be the feds taking pictures, now you out here incriminating yourself

Y’all boys wild, y’all need way more than just my help

Stacking my wealth, whether it’s in money or knowledge

You can’t difference dirt from diamonds until you find the polish

That’s the point in my life where I am, it’s like I’m almost there

Ready to shock the world with no need for the electric chair

The margin for error is razor thin & I ain’t tryna cut no hair

Keep it player, figuring out everything like an engineer

A lot of the things I see y’all niggas do is truly weird

What happened to the good days of minding your own business and grabbing a beer

I can’t speak on it but they want me to speak on it

So I started a podcast to speak on it now they hate the way I speak on it

Can’t please everyone, shit you can’t please anyone

Niggas want they truth sugar coasted like a honey bun

And where’s the fun in that? Where’s the truth in that?

Where’s the happiness? Will we end up losing that?

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Our Time Together

I tell her, our time together is our time together

But when we’re apart, you can do whatever

Ain’t no remote controls, its ok to go and roam

See there’s no strings attached like Bluetooth with the speakerphones

I just ask that you don’t stress me. Life is stressful enough

I’ll be there when you need me, just try and not need me too much

See the mental space I’m in, feels like a zone defense

Yeah I’ll pay attention to you, but not enough to draw me in

I haven’t even been shooting shots lately, I been chilling moe

Because I don’t deal with women who throw tantrums like they’re 2 years old

Come on now, we’re both grown. Let’s not do this now.

I’m interested in the milk because I don’t have the budget for the cow.

Life is in flux so it’s become harder for me to give a fuck

About what’s up, that’s why I’m hesitating to jump in like double dutch

And sometimes that means I go M.I.A like I’m on ocean drive

That means I go M.I.A. like I’m driving south on I-95

That means I go M.I.A like Dwyane Wade returning home

I mean, you get it. So that’s why I don’t blow up your phone

I’ll talk to you nice when we talk, always respect when I see you

Slander kept to a minimum unless you did me quite evil

Maybe I’m taking this route because of the ways I been burned in my past

Got myself fucked up my moving too fast.

I learned from my mistakes, promised to make better choices

Can’t have the drive of a Camry if you’re trying to get Rolls Royce’s

So focusing on what I need to, reducing distractions

Is the way I need to make sure I don’t become a never was or a has been.

Aim and shoot like an assassin, I get in where I fit in

Witness protection program, the way I can go missing

Is it fair to everyone how I move? Maybe not.

But I need 6 figures in less than 6 years so I don’t have time to switch the plot.

Switch the script? Nah, we keep it simple, and we keep it fair

And we keep to ourselves until the end of the situation if we meet back up there.

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Hate Me For Who I Am

Hate me for who I am, not who you think I am

You think I got a temper shorter than Yosemite Sam

You think I’m trash, want me to be thrown to the garbage man

You think I’m dense & I don’t take time to understand

You think a lot of things, but you refuse to investigate

You think I take a crooked path but you refuse to set the record straight

You may see causation, but you aren’t sure if it correlates

I can be your worse nightmare, or I can be something more than great.

I want to work with people who want to work with me

If you don’t want to work with me, then I wish you were halfway across the earth from me

You see, I have to move with urgency.

And I can’t move with urgency if every little step I take causes an emergency.

I see, the pain people have caused you, I understand it.

How am I supposed to have a clean slate & already getting reprimanded?

The idea of “cutting someone some slack” has all but vanished

It’s like we’re painting, but borrowing other people’s canvas.

We use sweeping generalizations because we’re too lazy for analysis

It’s like we’re blindfolded, throwing shots, hoping we sunk their battleship

And if we are at war, doing it alone is a fallacy

So basically, you’re not going to win by just attacking me.

If it is a systemic issue then the enemy is the system.

And in order to beat the system, we have to know how people work within it

It’s easier to destroy something from the inside out

But in order to flourish, we need all the interested parties on the same route.

What one calls sugar coating, the other calls decorum

Hell, what one calls practical, the other calls slow & boring

We want minorities to be a monolith

But in order to flourish, we have to let the tension pass first like we’re coached by Popovich

But until we get to that point in the process

Pointing fingers & infighting are gonna be monsters like the loch ness.

I thought we all hated being blamed for what we didn’t do.

But I guess we pick & choose, it’s politics as usual.

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Keep The Same Energy

I’m trying not to hold grudges but it’s getting kinda hard

People love saying they’re real while promoting this façade

I gave up getting even with folks, y’all been acting way too odd

I’m not saying that I’m perfect, but at least I know my flaws

I can’t pander to y’all, I don’t answer to y’all.

I keep my mouth shut sometimes so I don’t seem like a cancer to y’all

If we draw up the play then you’ve asked me to ball

So then, just pass me the ball.

People always want these grand institutions to fall

So they celebrate when they see a crack in the wall

Or a chink in the armor, wait, is that a racist saying?

I try to be cautious of the things I say to not induce more mayhem.

Is it appropriating nerd culture to say you’re going super Saiyan?

And if you don’t believe in monsters then you can never slay them.

My words remind myself of graffiti paintings

You may not like the way I presented it but the message is definitely staying

Learn your audience, sometimes we call it reading the defense

Speak what you believe in, others may not like what they’re hearing

And depending on who you are, you get some leeway to speak your mind

But if they don’t like how you look & what you say, reaction won’t be so kind.

I guess I gotta get in my bag some more. Raise the stakes

Like I put a filet mignon on a floating dinner plate

Like I put a New York Strip on top of the Empire State

Like if LeBron took a T-Bone & made Isaiah Thomas play keep away

People want me to feel sorry for things I didn’t contribute to

I can recognize my position, but those who don’t are hypocritical

The physical, often doesn’t match up with the spiritual

And then when people do the minimal, they always follow with subliminals

Hate who I am if you want to, hate who I represent

Don’t have anyone challenge your views, argue with things I never said.

That’s cool, I can’t tell you what to do with your mental space

But don’t create hypotheticals in your head & try and throw them in my face

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